Ashabuse's Blog

Uh Oh, We’re heeereeee! (Poltergeist reference)

ashabuse — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 03:58:18 +0000

More to follow…

I BLAME WARCRAFT FOR EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THE WORLD TODAY!!!

ashabuse — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 01:36:58 +0000

Fuck you Activision. Fuck you Bobby Kotick. Fuck you Blizzard. I mean, ahem. Hello! And welcom to another entry in an occasional series I like to call Greedy Cunts Corner. And of course, we return to the enemy of anyone who has ever owned any games machine ever (especially Colecovision). Latest thing on the list: Pay to play multiplayer. Like Warcraft, as lest face it, if gamers aren’t avoiding sunlight while running around fucking elven maidens and generally not listening to their mother shout up that the washing is done, they’re playing Modern Warfare 2! Yay for Modern Warfare and call of Duty, and its monopolizing of the FPS market. (see also, Halo) I guess the point of this is that, Bobby Kotick saw a good thing with Warcraft and wants it more.

Trawl through those for more indepth analysis, it’s late and I’m lazy. Point is, the comments are the most interesting thing on these cuz those are real gamers. And they all see the same thing: being wrung out for more money. £55 a game+2 £15 map packs(£30)=an £85 investment. Now add in a subscriptiuon fee to this and the only people who can afford to play are the execs at activison who are getting this money fed into their wallets by what I can only imagine is some kind of tube system. They say profits are down because no one is buying new games, they all stay at home and play multiplayer. Maybe that’s because there’s no good games cuz all the money is beig fed away from devs and into the execs back pockets? And of course this year there’s more entries into Activision’s big 3 (Warcraft: Cataclysm, COD: Black Ops and GH:Warriors of Rock). NOw I’ll be the first to admit that I’m looking forward to GH, and if they were to implement a subscription system, I’d look into it, depending on what it promised. And this is the crux of the story. Gamers will pay for content. (not all, but that’s another story). Yes COD map packs are expensive, but that’s Activision for you. But content worth paying for makes itself known. Take for example Borderlands. For just over the price of one COD map pack gets you a short quest/add on story using freaking ZOMBIES!!, some combat arenas akin to wave combat of yore and a pretty substantial add on, which is hard as nails but ultimately satisfying (when the lady jetpack jedis show up). All are madw with the same care as the main game. That’s content worth paying for. And see also GH content. It’s not all worth paying for (and frequently gets beaten by rock band, cuz they have longer to farm out dlc anyway). Point is, if a GH subscription service involved content; decent content, then it may be worth it. But paying for multiplayer is essentually paying for a game twice. But as it stands now, you play COD, expect to have a lighter bank balance, and nothing to show for it except carpal tunnel and knowlegde of the best sniper spots in a fictional Basra village. Almost makes you wanna sell the console and start to read again… Basically, all of this leading down a dark road for gaming and gamers, and at the end, there will only be misery, hurt feelings and a new beginning. Hopefully one free of Activision and it’s greedy, non gamer CEO Bobby Kotick. I hate him, and I hate his philosophy. Yeh I’ll buy Guitar Hero 6, as it has good content. Luckily I don’t use multiplayer anyway as I have very little time on my hands. (I haven’t actually bought a game since…Split/Second back in May). I think I’m due a new game…

EDIT: It’s not just Activision though. Take for example my beloved Resident Evil franchise. The unlock download for Resi 5 costs 3.99 (at last check) and is like 4 kb big. For an entirely new game mode? Never. It’s an unlock code, you download it and it’s actually already on the disc. So now you’re buying half a product and then expected to buy the other half as an extra? Fuck off Capcom. Great, now I’m in a mood…

It’s 4 oclock in the fucking morning

ashabuse — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 03:15:26 +0000

This is kind of a different thing to what you’d usually expect, just wanted to comment on the view. So I’m stood in a university study bedroom on the seventh floor of a building that overlooks the industrial part of town. The gf is asleep in the bed but I’m still awake due to the inhuman amounts of caffeine in a popular cola brand. She’s having trouble sleeping and I just don’t want to. But the view makes you realise how mundane it all is. In order there is a cooking oil recycling plant, some roadworks, which smell horrifically of molten Tarmac, a timber plant, some cheap ass flats, the football stadium (a monument to mediocrity), a church spire and just roads. Also a rather famous local monument affectionately known as “Rape Bridge”. Has anyone actually been raped there? I don’t know personally, it’s still fucking creepy. Oh and if I crane my neck I can see the toll bridge. The one all the suicidal people jump off. The one with communication boxes direct to the Samaritans, all of which are out of order… Go figure. They’ll make you pay £25 to deliver to the Co-Op on the other side of the bridge, but won’t fix the suicide prevention hotline boxes. Ain’t life peachy… And a drunk man just fell over on the pavement outside… He’s not getting up. Either he’s unconscious or napping… No wait, he’s up, and he’s pissed himself. Fantastic, gotta love some peoples self respect. He thinks no one knows he soiled himself, but we know the truth now… I know someone who got mugged near here once, that’s pretty bad. He’s alright it didn’t affect him too adversely… And next to me the gf tosses and turns, failing at sleep. I should go too but it’s a single bed and I don’t have the heart to make her move… The sun is starting to appear just in the distance… The sky is red also, now does this count as red sky at night, or red sky in the morning, given the weird transitional nature of the current time (half 4 in the morning, FYI). Another drunkard walks by, he’s seen me in the window and yes… He’s just flipped me off, therefore I shall respond in kind. A d now he’s double flipping me off and… Because he wasn’t looking where he was going, he just tripped over. Victory to me I guess. I have no idea what roadworks they’re doing but it involves closing a bridge and a half ton of scaffolding, so it must be pretty big. A lone woman just walked across Rape Bridge, she must be brave, or new in town. Point is who else is out at this hour except unlucky people? So many little lights out there in the distance, each one attached to its own life, its own story. Tons of seagulls outside… Yet nothing to feed on… It’s pretty much daylight out there now… Will I get any sleep? Doubtful… Could try relacing my new shoes. Britt blue adidas mid tops, not what you’d expect from me, given how I’m currently wearing a rob zombie shirt, but I like to have something unique to me, might as well go for the shoes… And this is now officially a long rambling post, probably dull as all hell, so well done if you’ve made it this far. And now your reward:

( , )( , )

There’s some boobs for your troubles. The sky is deep shade of red, almost like it’s been cut and is bleeding… Somewhere in the distance, a crane just started to swing its arm around… Someone somewhere is at work now… 3 more drunk guys… Or maybe guys on their way to work. I’d choose the first option as they’re dressed too nice fashionable for work… That and one just fell over. What’s out there, those lights in the distance? Is it man or machine? Gods or monsters? Wow this is coming across as pretentious… I guess I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head… Doubt I’d have this opportunity to do it again… A man just flagrantly cycled past the sign that reads cyclists please dismount… I guess the interesting question is why? It’s definitely daylight now, streetlights are going out, and more people are starting to materialise… The river is out in the distance… Reflecting off the red sky it looks like blood, like a wound on the landscape, ironic, given it was here before all the boats and building and stuff… There is no bloody way I’m getting any sleep now… Tbh I’m not even supposed to be here, rules clearly state no overnight guests… But unless the fat security guard does a random check (and why would he?) I’m sure it’ll be fine… Frankly she payed to stay in here and if she wants the entire fucking Walton family to stay it should be her choice, provided they don’t inconvenience anyone else. And I’m as quiet as they can get… There’s a kids playpark near Rape Bridge, which I’m now calling Paedophile Park, as it’s just a really odd place to have one… That and there’s an old man just stood in it. No dog, no kids and no need to be there… He just is. Bit early I’d imagine though… yeh, it’s daylight now… And she wants me to come to bed, thinking I need the sleep, maybe I do, but it’s too much of a squeeze… And now it’s 5 am. I’ve been at this for an hour and what do I have to show for it? A lot of pointless bullshit and probably insomnia… Coke is the devil, and caffeine is the pointy, flaming pitchfork he wields… Fuck, maybe I am tired… Chances are I’ll only sleep about 5-7 hours (if I go at all that is). And I haven’t even been on the PS3 to warrant staying up this late… I never really noticed how quick night changes into day, it’s a lot faster than I imagined it would be… Shame nothing is open, bar the McDonalds on the other side of town… And I can’t even see my house from here… I guess I’d have finished this earlier but I have no idea where a good end point would be… Maybe here? No, too obvious. People are starting to wake up now. In the buildings directly across from the windows lights are flicking on… Clearly some people have work… Unlucky. And I have to type for 6 minutes before I’ve been doing this for an hour… I might try and sleep after that… I guess this post was just to clear my head of all the useless asinine thought really… It’s definitely daylight though…I think I’m officially nocturnal now. That can’t be good… Oh well, fuck it, more time to do stuff I can’t during the day I guess. The human body needs only a few hours of sleep before you start to get all kinds of messed up, I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. I am getting hungry though… That’s not good either… 2 minutes to go before the hour now… And it’s odd how busy it actually is at night. Between the massive delivery lorries, the 3 freight trains I saw and the surprisingly large amount of regular people who should really be asleep, it’s definitely an odd experience… But it is day now. A day like any other. And there’s the hour. If you made it to this point, more to you as that last chunk of silly letters was pretty dire, let’s be honest. I’m going to try and sleep now…

Clash of the (Amateur Reviewing) Titans

ashabuse — Mon, 17 May 2010 00:04:19 +0000

I’m not normally inclined to write a straight review on here (Saw game aside, shut up!) but I feel I have to give fair defense to a move I enjoyed, even if the elitists didn’t. Clash of the Titans. A remake of a classic. Now while it never hits the lofty heights of the original (and fair few things do) the amount of flak it takes is a little bit harsh. It is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a “good” movie. It’s obvious that when the end credits start Sam “Ruiner of Movies” Worthington will have beaten down anything that looked at him funny, gotten the girl (the not at all lovely Gemma Arterton, I’d never dream of looking at her twice, love you gorgeous, and remember she had to shit in a bucket in alice Creed, a movie you firmly guessed the twist in cuz you’re awesome. Ahem…) and glowered at Zeus while uttering something about how the gods betrayed him and so on. But it’s a fun movie. Massive scorpions? Fun. Medusa? Terrifying-ish. The gods? Ruled by Liam Neeson. Point is, this move never made any pretensions of being good. It did however tap into the little bit marked Ridiculous 12 year old fun. And this is the thing. This is why the people who didn’t enjoy it… didn’t enjoy it. It harkens back to a time when you could run around with a bedsheet, pretending to be some kind of ancient warrior. It was a time when the majority of your knowledge of the ancient Greeks stemmed from the Disney butchering of Hercules and the Horrible Histories books. And while some of those people grew up, some of them just got old enough to buy the God of War games. Which by and large was the template for this CotT remake. Just without the blood, god killing and angry atheist. Okay, angry interesting atheist. Kratos is an infinitely more entertaining protagonist than Sam Worthington could have ever made Perseus. Now Iknow I’m not really fighting this movie’s corner all too well, but the point is, strip away the awful lead character, and the movie become somewhat more watchable. Now go and kill the man who thought showing all the good bits of the movie (anything with a monster larger than a Boing 747 in it) in the trailer, and endless leaked clips and pictures on the net and the movie falls into what I like to call the Doom Zone. I.E. take the brain out of elitist mode, and enjoy the stupid fun. Then put it in, and forget you ever saw it. Or play God of War.
But at the very least it deserves more than a two word review, one of which was a cuss. I’m not gonna say it’s the best movie ever, but it’s nowhere near as bad as Drag Me to Hell. Plus… it needs more skeleton warriors.

A Brief Guide To Pitching As Related To The Saw Movies.

ashabuse — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 16:10:22 +0000

Okay so here’s the thing. It is fucking impossible to make a plot twist sound good in a script. In a book you have the distinct fucking advantage of internal thought, monologue and other pretentious wankery. The actual movie has the advantage of it being fucking real and on screen. So that leaves the script in a bit of a bad way, lacking both the visual element and the descriptive parts required. But the twist it what can make or break the movie. So with that in mind, here is how I would pitch the twist to all the existing Saw movies (and what I would do for VII, cuz lets face it, if I was the writer, I wouldn’t have run it into the ground by now) Lets go!

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

Saw: The dead body did it
Saw II: The girl from the first one did it, And Eric should have just stfu and talked.
Saw III: The girl from the first one is a mental, and they’re married.
Saw IV: Rigg should have stayed at home, and the cop is in on it.
Saw V: Hoffman knew you’d do that, and everyone knows everyone.
Saw VI: They aren’t his family, but the reporter is, the girl from the first one killed Jigsaw’s baby, Hoffman knew and blackmailed her into killing the wife from the third one, that lever kills him and not you and Jigsaw bade his ex wife try and kill Hoffman.

Okay, Saw VI sounds really lame, but that is a movie which frankly out of context is just a series of flashbacks and kill rooms. Point is, writing a successful twist into a movie is not easy. So long and short of it, don’t hate on the Saw writers. It’s the money men who pulled it out to what will be seven movies. At the end of the day, the writers got to eat like fucking kings out of it. And work is work after all. (Also I’m well aware if the fact I did hate on the writers earlier. That’s purely for Saw V, which was actually pretty terrible, even by Saw standards.) And as promised, what I think the twist will be for Saw VII.
Saw VII: The good doctor isn;t dead, everyone knows Hoffman was involved and Jigsaw’s wife was always trying to kill Hoffman. I’m probably way off (except on the doctor thing) but we shall see come October…

First Post Of 2010! How’s That For Finally Getting On It?

ashabuse — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 00:28:18 +0000

Welcome to 2010! Isn’t it exciting? No, no it is not. First off, some sad announcements. December ’09 marked the fifth anniversary of the tragic death of Lance “Dimebag” Darrell. It was a dark day, and there will always be hole both in music and our hearts. RIP Dimebag.

On a more recent tragic note, Jimmy “The Rev” Sullivan, was found dead in his home. For those who don’t know, The Rev was the drummer with Avenged Sevenfold, and he was a beast. He knew his instrument, and he knew how to play it like a motherfucker. I had the privilidge of seeing him play live. He’s a fucking legend and his passing saddens me, and will for a long time. RIP Rev, you will be missed.

Happier news time now. I have Borderlands, and it is officially my new favourite game, frequently taking up my time in an “I’ll only play it for an hour yet here I am at 4am still going” kinda way. It’s beautiful, nails and truly unique. It definitely is my new favourite game. Assassin’s Creed 2 is also a good game, taking the original concept and amping it up to 11. The best bits are without a doubt the platforming and freerunning sequences. If Ubisoft have any sense they’ll take that team and put them in charge of the next Prince of Persia game. Also, I have given my award for Best Merch of The Year: Prince Of Persia: The Movie Lego! Yes I’m gonna buy it.

And now a message to a group I consider myself a part of. This is a message to militant fans of Repo! The Genetic Opera. Yes that movie is wildly original, with awesome songs and unexpected stars (Ogre from Skinny Puppy? Hell yeh!). But, there is another movie coming out this year, called Repo Men which makes an action movie out of the Opera’s concept. And Repo! fans are up in arms. You’re only making yourself look bad. There’s room for both movies, and frankly I can’t wait for Repo Men, it looks badassed.

Ummm… That’s all at the moment. I just wanna close again on The Rev, as he was one of my favourite drummers, and just a mental awesome bastard. Go youtube The Rev chases ducks. RIP Rev, Taken from us too young. See you in Bat Country.

You’re All Soft Like Butter In A Volcano!

ashabuse — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 01:05:10 +0000

People today are fucking soft weak little pussies. If we have any issue we run straight to the internet. “oooh look online, that’ll tell you” “Oooh Google that, it’ll tell you straight away” Google has made us all lazy useless thick cunts! Seriously, we run to the net whenever have an issue with anything from cooking to getting past level 9 of Sonic the whatever beast he is today. Werehog: FUCK OFF SEGA!

Anyway, back on topic. We have it easy now. Back in the day, they were hardcore motherfuckers. Game doesn’t run today, it’s straight to a forum to get a multitude of flames and responses which all portend to “try tilting the console a little bit” Fuck off with that, you usually wind up having to send the fucker back to the manufacturer (who’s offices are always in Europe, funny that) at your cost. That’s 125 sheets down the shitter. You could buy the console new for that, fuck that noise. And they steal your hard drive. And send you a version without the BBC iPlayer icon on the main menu. Anyone ever used the PS3 web browser. Fucking hell it’d be quicker to read the paper than use that cunt. As for youtube, fuck off.

Anyway, back in the olden days (80′s/any cartridge based console) they didn’t have the net. So what did gamers do when they had a non working game issue, know what they did? They figured it out for themfuckingselves! They grabbed the cart and they blew inside it, and somehow it worked. They were some hardcore motherfuckers.

Google has made us all not hardcore. Fucking Google.

Knitwear? What Fucker Buys Knitwear?!!

ashabuse — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 03:33:59 +0000

Yeh, this has nothing to do with knitwear. Especially sweater vests. Anyone I know ever wears a sweater vest and I will call them a huge massive bender everyday until they die. And that’s a motherfucking promise. So what’s new? First off, BBC Radio 6 (god bless Steve Lemaq) has announced Friday the 4th of December as “Wear your old band shirt to work day”. So if you should see anyone at work wearing the infamous Cradle Of Filth Jesus Is A Cunt shirt (also known as Vestal Masturbation), you’ll know why. Also, merry Christmas to me someone?

So yeh, there’s a bit of blasphemy of the highest order for you, readership, anyone who doesn’t like it, can polite but firmly shove their complaint up their bible bashing, no sex before marriage virginal cunt*, cuz frankly, God is looking at you right now, and he’s jacking off, thinking about ass fucking you so hard his come shoots you into the next county. *It might be a guy of course, but any guy who does the no sex before marriage is obviously either an ugly motherfucker, or a MASSIVE HOMO CUNT!!

God that was a little crude wasn’t it? Also, there is an assault on the ears going around by some chick called Ke$ha (and yes the $ is intentional). The song is dire, avoid, but one line makes me laugh. She basically calls the police the PoPo, which for some reason made me think of the Teletubby police force? And do they get their APB’s in on their stomachs? Wait, why am I working out the mechanics of Teletubby Police Force, seeing as how ONLY FOUR OF THEM SEEM TO EXIST!!! Huge massive field, only four bastard aliens and some rabbits, seriously? And of course, crazy sprinkler voice dude, who probably does not get paid nearly enough to voice that shit.

Also, it has emerged that the Lady GaGa has a penis rumour/urban myth is not true. Which is a shame, as I was hoping for the Mythbusters episode on it. More to the point though, why did someone not try and find GaGa’s gynaecologist and question the shit out of him or her. I know all about doctor/patient confidentiality and all that, but surely there’d be some sort of visual clue if you start talking about his patient’s “penis”. I mean it’s not like he could keep a Poker Face. I apologise wholeheartedly for that. Also just saw Pudsey bear do a guitar solo. As well as all the female baby cartoon characters do the Pussycat Dolls song Jai Ho. As well as a whole bunch of other characters sing other songs. And Pingu is singing Hey Jude. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! HAVE I BEEN DRUGGED?!

Actually talking of Hey Jude, I should comment on a movie I had the misfortune of watching called Across The Universe, a musical based off the Beatles songs. Now the guy who suggested we watch it is a stand up guy, and he likes his indie stuff, but all due respect, I listen to songs with names like Pussy Liquor and Beast and the Harlot. The Beatles can suck my junk as far as I’m concerned, cuz as far as influential bands go, The Beatles gave us Oasis, Led Zep gave us Heavy Metal. Plus your two dead members, John Lennon and George Harrison died of assassination (though I still maintained he arranged it to escape Yoko Motherfucking Ono, McCartney just took the easier route of divorce) and lung cancer respectively. Led Zep’s one dead member John Bonham, The Greatest Drummer To Have Ever Lived (go and look up the 20 minute long drum solo for Moby Dick, go on, it’s fun) died because he downed 40 shots of vodka and choked on his own vomit. I’m sorry, but for not dying of alcohol poisoning after that alone makes him the coolest man to have walked the earth. Second coolest then, after Hendrix, that man is a legend. Now if you like The Beatles, don’t let me stop you. But bands I prefer bands like The Rolling Stones, The Who and Led Zep. You know, bands that weren’t huge massive girls. Please Please Me? I counter that with (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction, Mama’s Got A Squeezebox and Whole Lotta Love. Songs that aren’t whining for sex, but songs that are currently fucking The Beatles from behind while watching hardcore porno.

What else is there? Umm good question. Hang on a second… THERE! That was word number 666. Don’t know why I called that out, I must be running out of steam. Got to come up with something good. AHA!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgbNymZ7vqY

Click that to see how much time The Muppets puppeteers have on their hands. You know, assuming you’re one of the three people who haven’t seen this already. Right, that’s my asinine chatter done for the day. Oh no wait! One more thing, here begins the official JLS Can Fuck Off And Die campaign. They have a book out! They have two songs out, and they already have a book out, JLS: The Story So Far. And I know this cuz I work in a bookshop, before someone gets witty. Anyway, this book is mostly pictures. Good considering the average smarts of a JLS fan, stupid motherfuckers. Still, I spose even retards deserve entertaining. They can’t run my errands for me forever, accursed Human Rights laws.

Signing out people, and remember, if they’re lower than you on the Smartness Ladder, it’s okay to set them on fire.

When I’m Right, I’m Right…

ashabuse — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:20:30 +0000

Well, I resisted it for ages, but I finally relented last post and talked about myself. Said some pretty silly fucking things, and the shit hit the fan funstyles because of it. So we’re back to business as usual, and with the renewed promise that that fucking shit will never happen again.

Today, I’m gonna talk about some of the dialogue in games, as it’s a glorious mix of shit and brilliance, with wirty dords thrown in. My first mention must go to Bioshock 2, which has a bit of hype following it. Knowing full well that since your character spends a large amount of the game armed with a drill the size of Jersey, and the game was more than likely to get an 18 rating, they went all out on the dialogue, with one of the characters uttering in the game “Fucking sodomites everywhere!” which for my money is fantastic words. Especially as he yells it while getting shot in the face.

I guess at this point, if you really want to get the full enjoyment out of a game, listen to the enemies dialogue, especially during battle sequences. Killzone 2 is a special one for this, simply down to the fact that the primary enemies are NAZI SPACE COCKNEYS! With extremely foul mouths. Seriously, I don’t know much about the military, but I’d assume I’m right in guessing that “Fucking flank the ISA scum” is not standard procedure. Now I’m all for swearing, in case you hadn’t already noticed, but at least be more creative with it. So the campaign starts here to make the word twatbandit an officially recognised affront.

So yeh, now I’m gonna take this time to talk about myself again… HAHAHAHAHA, FUCK THAT NOISE!!!! No, I’m also going to mention a special line of dialogue from Assassin’s Creed 2. “She cries as I fuck her”. Other awesome lines from the game include “So, the whip or the paddle today?” and “Does your wife know about your page boy fantasies, Captain?” All this proves is that the guys over at Ubisoft Canada figured they’d go all out moving from the conservative Holy Lands of AC 1 into the horny Renaissance Italy of AC2. But jesus christ, it’s called ASSASSIN’S Creed 2 not HORNY BASTARD’S Creed 2. But those antics don’t make it a mature game, they just pander to the 15 year old boys with their hands in their pockets, you know, the guys who buy copies of Tomb Raider over Uncharted 2, just to see the newer, perkier physics engine. It’s why the DOA series still gets work. It’s why when you shake the controller during a Ninja Gaiden 2 Sigma cutscene the ladies bobbies jiggle. It’s why I’m dying inside.

Plus I’m sat here watching Commando, and it’s the end punch up between Arnie and the generic bad guy who he served with in the past (aka every Arnie movie ever made) and he’s getting the shit kicked out of him. He electrocutes the guy, both swear like motherfuckers, and then he impales the bad guy on a steam tank. All while his little daughter is watching. That’s really bad parenting in my book. The daughter is actually played by Alyssa Milano, who is not the sex icon she is now, and it’s a little worrying seeing her that young. Add her to the list of chicks including Natalie Portman, Drew Barrymore and Miley Cyrus in a year or so. She’s 16 now, but best to err on the side of not getting your name on some kind of register.

Wow, that went off on some tangents. I have kind of run out of things to say, other than… fuck it, that train of thought derailed.

Night night readership. I shall see ye tomorrow, and if you come to my van and don’t tell your parents what happens, I’ll give you some candy…

Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Term “I Want To Play A Game…”

ashabuse — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 20:47:50 +0000

A brief bit of background. I am a massive Saw fan and so when I found out they were releasing the game at least month later than in the USA, I paid a visit to Movietyme, and got me a copy. And onto the review…

Saw is a third person survival horror title, with many parallels to the Silent Hill series. This is only made more apparent when the game flashes up the big Konami logos. For those of you who played through Silent Hill: Homecoming, that game gets a little bit Saw-esque towards the end, to that game’s detriment. But Saw works somehow.

The very first thing you see is your character Tapp (Yes Danny Glover’s character from the first movie.) in the Reverse Bear Trap, another throwback to the movies. You do a little quicktime event to get it off you before it snaps, and then it’s into the main game.

You have to wander around the asylum you’ve been trapped in, as Jigsaw isn’t done with Tapp, not by a long shot. After the events of Saw 1 (for those not in the know, Tapp broke the rules and entered Jigsaw’s lair without backup, causing the death of his partner) After this Tapp was discharged from the force and took the Jigsaw investigation into his own hands. For the record, the game is set between Saw and Saw II

Anyway the main game… The game is set out in this format: You start of in a specific part of the asylum, such as the cells or living quarters. You pick up a tape which tells you of the person in the set piece trap. You then wander round solving various puzzles and traps to get the key or items needed to gain access to the set piece room, where you have to solve more puzzles in order to save the victim. Repeat this five or six times throughout the game. It’s a format very close to the movies, just with the exploration parts in between each set piece, extending the life span, of roughly 10-11 hours, if you explore thoroughly.

Gameplay wise, it’s a very competent setup. It handles well, with some neat touches such as the different light sources. Three become available to you throughout the game (lighter, camera and torch) each with their own advantages and disadvantages. Those out for atmosphere (which this game has in spadefuls) should use the camera, as it illuminates for a second then goes dark again, and takes a few seconds to recharge. It’s utterly terrifying to use. Another neat little touch is the use of floor traps. These take the form of either tripwires attached to shotguns (instant kill, but can be disarmed if spotted in time, then reused, but more on that later) or the broken glass that litters the floor, and with your character barefoot, causes pain as you walk on it.

The main meat of the game is a selection of 5-6 puzzles that get repeated at various points throughout the game. These can take form of either making a complete circuit, using various size gears to make machines move and so on. Now while this may sound repetitive, I quite enjoyed it. They start off easy, but as you progress through the game, they get harder. Towards the end, you have to compete with two 81 square fuse boxes, and a timer of 7 minutes before the bombs go off and you die, having to start again. Tension doesn’t begin to describe it.

In terms of atmosphere, the game is definitely Saw. All the standards are in there, the ominous voice of Jigsaw coming out of nowhere (voiced by Tobin Bell, for extra authenticity), the dark rooms, the red numbered digital timers and all the various things Saw fans have come to know and expect.

Now on to the bad news, the game has a few small flaws, such as its darkness levels, and you may need to turn the gamma up to see the gas pipe puzzles. But it’s biggest flaw is the combat, which is for lack of a better term, broken. You hold L2 to switch to combat stance, and X is a light attack and Square is a heavy attack. Trouble is it takes so long for you actually swing you’ve been beaten to death before you can line up a hit. But combat can the majority of the time be avoided, by drawing the attacker to follow you into some sort of trap, like the afore mentioned tripwire. So long as you stay vaguely ahead of them, and can get it set up, 9 times out of 10 they’ll just blunder into it. See also; electrified puddles. Of course it is beneficial to kill people as trophies are attached to killing people and weapons used.

However the combat is dire, and it drags down what would otherwise be a very good game. The game runs on Unreal engine 3, so looks the business, and genuinely drips with pure menace. A mention should also be given to the story, which manages to not only fit in with the backstory, but having seen Saw VI before I finished the game, it also manages to allude to that movie as well, so doesn’t just smack of a cash in. This is largely in part to James Wan and Leigh Whannell, original creators of the Saw series writing the story and script for the game, and they’ve struck gold, and in combination with Saw VI, breathing life into a franchise coughing towards the end of its life.

Closing Comments: Saw is a cracking game, and with the disappointments Resident Evil 5 and Silent Hill Homecoming turned out to be, it proves it is possible to make a decent horror game that doesn’t rely on bang bang action. It’s a thinking mans horror game. But the poor combat system really hampers the game, and the constant repetition of puzzles may grate on some. But it’s definitely something that should be played. Though non Saw fans may not get some of the movie references, the game itself has a coherent storyline. At the very least, rent it for a week, cuz it’s a good game. Shame it got buried by Uncharted 2 in the USA and releases a week after MW2 here, so a sequel is unlikely. So in that respect it’s as far removed from the films series as possible!

Score: Gameplay-6

Graphics-7

Sound-7

Overall-7/10