When I’m Right, I’m Right…

Well, I resisted it for ages, but I finally relented last post and talked about myself. Said some pretty silly fucking things, and the shit hit the fan funstyles because of it. So we’re back to business as usual, and with the renewed promise that that fucking shit will never happen again.

Today, I’m gonna talk about some of the dialogue in games, as it’s a glorious mix of shit and brilliance, with wirty dords thrown in. My first mention must go to Bioshock 2, which has a bit of hype following it. Knowing full well that since your character spends a large amount of the game armed with a drill the size of Jersey, and the game was more than likely to get an 18 rating, they went all out on the dialogue, with one of the characters uttering in the game “Fucking sodomites everywhere!” which for my money is fantastic words. Especially as he yells it while getting shot in the face.

I guess at this point, if you really want to get the full enjoyment out of a game, listen to the enemies dialogue, especially during battle sequences. Killzone 2 is a special one for this, simply down to the fact that the primary enemies are NAZI SPACE COCKNEYS! With extremely foul mouths. Seriously, I don’t know much about the military, but I’d assume I’m right in guessing that “Fucking flank the ISA scum” is not standard procedure. Now I’m all for swearing, in case you hadn’t already noticed, but at least be more creative with it. So the campaign starts here to make the word twatbandit an officially recognised affront.

So yeh, now I’m gonna take this time to talk about myself again… HAHAHAHAHA, FUCK THAT NOISE!!!! No, I’m also going to mention a special line of dialogue from Assassin’s Creed 2. “She cries as I fuck her”.  Other awesome lines from the game include “So, the whip or the paddle today?” and “Does your wife know about your page boy fantasies, Captain?” All this proves is that the guys over at Ubisoft Canada figured they’d go all out moving from the conservative Holy Lands of AC 1 into the horny Renaissance Italy of AC2. But jesus christ, it’s called ASSASSIN’S Creed 2 not HORNY BASTARD’S Creed 2. But those antics don’t make it a mature game, they just pander to the 15 year old boys with their hands in their pockets, you know, the guys who buy copies of Tomb Raider over Uncharted 2, just to see the newer, perkier physics engine. It’s why the DOA series still gets work. It’s why when you shake the controller during a Ninja Gaiden 2 Sigma cutscene the ladies bobbies jiggle. It’s why I’m dying inside.

Plus I’m sat here watching Commando, and it’s the end punch up between Arnie and the generic bad guy who he served with in the past (aka every Arnie movie ever made) and he’s getting the shit kicked out of him. He electrocutes the guy, both swear like motherfuckers, and then he impales the bad guy on a steam tank. All while his little daughter is watching. That’s really bad parenting in my book.  The daughter is actually played by Alyssa Milano, who is not the sex icon she is now, and it’s a little worrying seeing her that young. Add her to the list of chicks including Natalie Portman, Drew Barrymore and Miley Cyrus in a year or so. She’s 16 now, but best to err on the side of not getting your name on some kind of register.

Wow, that went off on some tangents. I have kind of run out of things to say, other than… fuck it, that train of thought derailed.

Night night readership. I shall see ye tomorrow, and if you come to my van and don’t tell your parents what happens, I’ll give you some candy…

It’s All About The Game, And How You Play It…

It’s all about control and if you can take it. No idea who sung that, probably nobody given it’s the entrance music for a wrestler (Triple H, for those who care). And today I’m gonna do something I swore I’d never do (but fuck it, control people, look at the first line) and I’m gonna talk about me. And at the end of it, some of you may view me differently. But this is the real me.

1: I haven’t eaten breakfast in a little over 4 years. That happened because for the first three years I left the house early for college and work, and to have breakfast would mean getting up earlier, which can fuck right off. Which leads me onto year 4. I wake up at max an hour before I have to be in. And in that time I can check the internet, shower, have a general chit chat with anyone who may be in the house and then fuck off out to begin either the bus ride in (about 5 mins, plus waiting time) or the walk in (as I have been doing more recently, due to my lack of funds/excercise) which takes about 15-20 mins depending on tiredness and the weather (hope the storms clear up, else I am fucked. Can you claim you weren’t in class because the weather was too gnarly to leave the house?)

2: I’m what would be commonly known as a pathological liar, bordering on sociopathy. But that’s only psychobabble bullshit. I’m not one of those guys who lies and says he’s a tourist to pick up hot women (see also; fireman, marine, lifeguard and international pop star), nor do I lie just to make myself look good (cuz we are ALL guilty of that). I lie to how shall we say, make people happy. Right now I’m currently caught up in a very silly war between people who are old enough to know better. One former friend accuses the other of betrayal, the other denies this, and suddenly we’re fighting like whores on a street corner. But lets look at the facts here folks. A: Both of them are not catch of the day (and while I cannot stand up and call myself Hank Handsome, Space Adventurer, these guys are kinda odd. And some of the rumours I’ve heard, which I will not go into, as I don’t take stock in silly rumours, does not paint one of them in a flattering light) B: the story is Guy A and Guy B are best friends, and Guy A was dating Girl A for the longest time, while Guy B pined for Girl B, who would not date him in any situation, like ever. So Guy A/Girl A break up and everybody stays awkward friends. Now we throw in Girl C to the mix (who was very loosely seeing everyone’s favourite blog writer around roughly the same time as the A/A break up. Needless to say that went tits up. Anyway, Guy B liked Girl C (no idea why anyone does actually) but so did Guy A, so both made a pact to not do anything about it (which is where Awesome Blog Dude swooped in, and then it ended). Skip forward several months and we come to now.

Guy A is dating Girl B and Guy B isn’t happy as he deems it some kind of betrayal. So him and all of his Knights (long story, tell ya later) have started what seems like a turf war with Guy A, Girl B and friend to both. BUT, here’s the kicker Guy B has started dating Girl A, which to me seems just as equal a betrayal (according to the rules, which again I will get onto later). But that’s okay apparently as it’s a legal move in war. SO here’s the thing, both guys are either getting laid or will do possibly in the none too distant future. SO ALL OF THIS IS RETARDED! Man, get laid and you become a dick, awesome. Thing is, bringing it back to my pathological lying, both sides have made me pick a side (preferably their side) and I’ve said I have, just to keep the peace. But here’s the truth kids: I’m not particularly a fan of either of you, OR the people you’ve called onside (but with one of you it’s a long story, again more later). So take your petty war and stick it. FUCKING GROW UP!!! All the hate blogs are petty, and frankly if you can’t get past this, you should all be fucking sterilised, as I don’t want my (possibly) future kids exposed to this kind of retardedness, and if they are, I want them to take the same tack as me, telling you all to fuck off.

3: I am extremely shallow. And one of you knows this. And I’m sorry I am, but that’s just the way it is. And I’m also very much aware that I can’t afford to be shallow, but that’s just fucking tough. I was always taught second place is no place, so never fucking settle. And this goes out to the chick from earlier this paragraph, you can do way better than me, so fucking go for it.

4: That last post leads me onto here quite nicely. I am madly in love with this one girl, who I have no fucking idea whether she has any feeling for me whatsoever. it’s a little complex, and we kind of go from extremes. One minute we’re friends the next we genuinely want to kill each other. We even somehow slept together once (and that was so she could see if she had any feelings for me, which she did not). So then we don’t see each other for 5 months (which was probably good). Get back and see each other again and allegedly she has feelings for me (and about 3 other guys again). Which is fine by me. With one guy who she definitely believes is the one, but has so far proven to have a track record of being shit. Tbh I don’t know anymore. Suffice to say, I cannot move forward as an individual until this gets worked out, which isn’t easy, as she loves to dodge the issue.

Right I’m done for now, we’ll carry on with this shit some other time.

Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Term “I Want To Play A Game…”

A brief bit of background. I am a massive Saw fan and so when I found out they were releasing the game at least month later than in the USA, I paid a visit to Movietyme, and got me a copy. And onto the review…

Saw is a third person survival horror title, with many parallels to the Silent Hill series. This is only made more apparent when the game flashes up the big Konami logos. For those of you who played through Silent Hill: Homecoming, that game gets a little bit Saw-esque towards the end, to that game’s detriment. But Saw works somehow.

The very first thing you see is your character Tapp (Yes Danny Glover’s character from the first movie.) in the Reverse Bear Trap, another throwback to the movies. You do a little quicktime event to get it off you before it snaps, and then it’s into the main game.

You have to wander around the asylum you’ve been trapped in, as Jigsaw isn’t done with Tapp, not by a long shot. After the events of Saw 1 (for those not in the know, Tapp broke the rules and entered Jigsaw’s lair without backup, causing the death of his partner) After this Tapp was discharged from the force and took the Jigsaw investigation into his own hands. For the record, the game is set between Saw and Saw II

Anyway the main game… The game is set out in this format: You start of in a specific part of the asylum, such as the cells or living quarters. You pick up a tape which tells you of the person in the set piece trap. You then wander round solving various puzzles and traps to get the key or items needed to gain access to the set piece room, where you have to solve more puzzles in order to save the victim. Repeat this five or six times throughout the game. It’s a format very close to the movies, just with the exploration parts in between each set piece, extending the life span, of roughly 10-11 hours, if you explore thoroughly.

Gameplay wise, it’s a very competent setup. It handles well, with some neat touches such as the different light sources. Three become available to you throughout the game (lighter, camera and torch) each with their own advantages and disadvantages. Those out for atmosphere (which this game has in spadefuls) should use the camera, as it illuminates for a second then goes dark again, and takes a few seconds to recharge. It’s utterly terrifying to use. Another neat little touch is the use of floor traps. These take the form of either tripwires attached to shotguns (instant kill, but can be disarmed if spotted in time, then reused, but more on that later) or the broken glass that litters the floor, and with your character barefoot, causes pain as you walk on it.

The main meat of the game is a selection of 5-6 puzzles that get repeated at various points throughout the game. These can take form of either making a complete circuit, using various size gears to make machines move and so on. Now while this may sound repetitive, I quite enjoyed it. They start off easy, but as you progress through the game, they get harder. Towards the end, you have to compete with two 81 square fuse boxes, and a timer of 7 minutes before the bombs go off and you die, having to start again. Tension doesn’t begin to describe it.

In terms of atmosphere, the game is definitely Saw. All the standards are in there, the ominous voice of Jigsaw coming out of nowhere (voiced by Tobin Bell, for extra authenticity), the dark rooms, the red numbered digital timers and all the various things Saw fans have come to know and expect.

Now on to the bad news, the game has a few small flaws, such as its darkness levels, and you may need to turn the gamma up to see the gas pipe puzzles. But it’s biggest flaw is the combat, which is for lack of a better term, broken. You hold L2 to switch to combat stance, and X is a light attack and Square is a heavy attack. Trouble is it takes so long for you actually swing you’ve been beaten to death before you can line up a hit. But combat can  the majority of the time be avoided, by drawing the attacker to follow you into some sort of trap, like the afore mentioned tripwire. So long as you stay vaguely ahead of them, and can get it set up, 9 times out of 10 they’ll just blunder into it. See also; electrified puddles. Of course it is beneficial to kill people as trophies are attached to killing people and weapons used.

However the combat is dire, and it drags down what would otherwise be a very good game. The game runs on Unreal engine 3, so looks the business, and genuinely drips with pure menace. A mention should also be given to the story, which manages to not only fit in with the backstory, but having seen Saw VI before I finished the game, it also manages to allude to that movie as well, so doesn’t just smack of a cash in. This is largely in part to James Wan and Leigh Whannell, original creators of the Saw series writing the story and script for the game, and they’ve struck gold, and in combination with Saw VI, breathing life into a franchise coughing towards the end of its life.

Closing Comments: Saw is a cracking game, and with the disappointments Resident Evil 5 and Silent Hill Homecoming turned out to be, it proves it is possible to make a decent horror game that doesn’t rely on bang bang action. It’s a thinking mans horror game. But the poor combat system really hampers the game, and the constant repetition of puzzles may grate on some. But it’s definitely something that should be played. Though non Saw fans may not get some of the movie references, the game itself has a coherent storyline. At the very least, rent it for a week, cuz it’s a good game. Shame it got buried by Uncharted 2 in the USA and releases a week after MW2 here, so a sequel is unlikely. So in that respect it’s as far removed from the films series as possible!

Score: Gameplay-6

            Graphics-7

            Sound-7

            Overall-7/10

Don Your Stupid (And Hard) Hats.

Welcome to an occasional feature I like to call What The Fuck Were You Fucking Thinking! This is where I expose the fucking stupidity in the world. And for our opener, I’m handing it over to an unoffical Wii accessory. CTA Digital’s Wii Bowling Ball.

Yep, it’s a fake bowling ball you use to play Wii Bowling type games. First off, it turns out that there’s more of these games than you’d expect, but hey, people are retarded/fools and their money are soon split like a pornstar fucking a baseball bat (which there are videos of). Plus there’s an epically cheesy, late night shopping channel style sales pitch, which can be seen here, now, in 3, 2, 1…

Now, lets go over this. First off, the button operation system appears to be nothing more than a long stick that vaguely stabs at the button, one of those breaks (and they will, due to the accidental flinging it at the cat) and that button appears to be out of action. The thing weighs just under half a kilogram, and while that might not seem a lot, it’s still enough to fuck some serious shit up when you’re swinging it around like an Indiana Jones female sidekick in a cave full of nasty creepy crawly shit. Plus why does the guy presenting the video look like a fat Jack Osbourne (which is saying a lot, given how large Jack Osbourne has been known to be)? Now lets get down to looking at the product a bit more.

The clips that hold the two halves of the ball together appear pretty solid, which is a plus, as swinging that thing around the Wii remote would shooot out of there like a fucking torpedo, guaranteed to be a cat killer, should any pussy decide to get in the way. The wrist strap seems pretty solid, but those things are like playing Russian Roulette, 1 in 6 (not a valid statistic, Mr. Legal Department) of those result in cleaning up a beloved pet from the wall, and the ball.

Now lets get onto the big flaw with this supposed “innovation”. It’s a fucking fake bowling ball. Last time I checked the idea of bowling was to fling the ball down the very long lane, not keep a hold of it. Which leads to two very comical scenarios.

Scenario the First: You’re playing with the Wii Bowling Ball, and like any sensible bowler, you let go of the ball. It flies to the end or your wrist, and shoots off. Bounces off your £1000 plus HD TV, shanking that then hits the cat, killing it 7 kinds of dead. The lady divorces you, you lose your job, house and wind up a wino on the streets. A lot of loss for silly bowling ball no? Doesn’t really outweigh having “none of the fatigue” does it?

Scenario the Second: You decide to go try your new found Bowling Ball for Wii skills on an actual bowling ball. Yet when you get up to the lane, shock horror, you fail to let go of the ball! It swings back and twats you in the knees! The “fatigue” is the least of your worries as YOU’LL HAVE NO FUCKING KNEES!!!! See previous statements about fallout. Basically, all roads lead to homelessness.

This is basically a stupid fucking retarded idea, used by very silly people. It’s just wrong.

Plus I’m gonna leave you with the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in a video ever. “For use with any other bowling game that uses the Wii Remote”. THAT’S EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THEM, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! Jesus shit, the inmates are running the fucking asylum.
PCFP Out!!!

P.S. I really hate cats.

Si Vis Pacem, Parabellum

Oooh Latin, get me, right? No, this is kind of a philosophy of mine. It translates as “If you wish for peace, prepare for war.” Number of interpretations, by harbouring a strong society, people are less inclined to attack you and my interpretation, if you want peace, then it follows a fucking great ruck with some badass motherfuckers.

I guess the point to this is nothing comes for free. From food to peace, there’s a cost. And this brings me onto the subject of downloadable content. Aything from add ons to games, to full on games in their own right. Now DLC is the future of gaming. Eventually our brick and mortar gaming shops will be Starbucks’ or something, as we’ll all download everything. Of course at this early stage in the game, that’s a few years down the line. There’s a few games available on all the major consoles, but nothing of note really. They’re all available on disc in those shops I mentioned earlier.

Trouble is, can Britain’s already pretty raggedy ass phone infrastructure sustain this full on assault on the phone lines? Take a huge game release, like GTA IV (or V I spose is the next one). What if everyone goes to download that as soon as it becomes available? The phone lines will literally die on their sorry copper asses. Sure Virgin is putting in super fast 50 Mb cables, but those won’t be available to everyone, and wont be for ages yet.

I guess the point to all is that the games industry is changing at a rapid pace. More so than anything else. Take for example Gears of War. When that first came out, the cover/advance style of gameplay, the brutality, it was a damn fine game. It was the template for games for a while after that, a lot of games took the system and moulded it for their own ends. Then the next game comes out and the cycle is repeated. The next game on the cycle for my money is Batman: Arkham Asylum, definitely a shoo in for Game Of The Year.

But I guess what I’m saying is that what is novel today will become the norm tomorrow. And that’s why the games industry needs to change. Plus games get more and more expensive, early word is that Modern Warfare 2 will cost somewhere close to 60 big ones. Now no one doubts that game will be amazing, it’s almost guaranteed. But if games are going to start to be more expensive, they’re gonna need to be more novel for the next year rather than a hundred MW 2 clones.

Video games: The only thing to evolve by standing still for a year.

A Veritable Wankfest Of Gaming.

So Sony wants to try and end its dismal run in this, the 7th generation of Games Consoles. And since we’re only a teeny tiny width away from another 1980’s style games industry crash (though could James Cameron’s Avatar be the new E.T?) they need to pull something out of the bag sharpish. And they have it. 3D GAMES! Cuz of course, if a game is great, surely if it’s waving its business around in your face like some kind of polygonal lapdancer, that makes it better right? Of course it doesn’t.

There are ways it could be good. Damn good in fact. Like you call up a map, and the map appears in front of you, and in an urban area you can see the relief map of the buildings. Spin it around, get an idea of the height of the buildings. Plus have the HUD in front of you like in some kind of movie/game hybrid. It could be used amazingly. Of course combined with the new motion controller they have planned, which is way more accurate than the Wii, and it could be have some devastatingly huge sales.

But to make games 3D for 3D sakes is a bad move. Using 3D glasses for too long causes headaches and eyestrain, causing eventual blindness. Same as masturbation. Dear lord, those sweaty palmed 15 year olds who buy Tomb Raider and a box of Kleenex on release day are fucked. Games like that are going to have to come with a health warning.

Warning: Use of 3D glasses for extended periods of time can cause headaches, and damage to eyes. So can masturbation. We only say this cuz this game contains instances of hot women. And lets face it, Lara Croft, waving ‘em around like that in 3D, we know what you’re gonna do. Don’t think we don’t. And so do your parents. Just remember, the more you do it, the less meaningful it becomes.

Or there’s the Catholic version: THIS GAME WILL CAUSE YOU TO GO TO HELL! IT WILL TURN YOU ON AND MAKE YOU THINK UNGODLY THOUGHTS, SENDING YOU TO HELL! MASTURBATION IS A SIN, AKIN TO ABORTIONS! MURDERER! MURDERER! GO AND DO A GODLY, CATHOLIC ACT. GO MOLEST A CHOIRBOY!
Mmmmmm, that’s good satire!

*Insert Jigsaw Penis Joke Here*

So yeh, figuring I’d continue the last post, here is the end to MGS 4. (Spoilers Ahead). People Die! Lots of people! People who were meant to be dead aren’t dead. Then do die! Immediately after revealing themselves to be not dead! Either way, just thinking about it all gives me a headache, so I’m done.

And now onto some new things. There’s a new poster out for Saw VI! Yay!

Okay, so clearly we’re following the Saw V mentatlity of becoming Jigsaw. As if this wasn’t a big tip off.

Okay, I guess my point is they’re saying the idea is to become Jigsaw. But what happens when they get lower? I mean anyone familiar to the Saw series knows that Jigsaw showed some penis (albeit on the autopsy table) in Saw IV. And frankly it was nothing to write home about. Look at me, talking about dead old man penis, what has life come to?
Another new Saw related development is that Saw: The Video Game will have doors that when opened a random button press icon appears, and if you fail shotguns in the ceiling blow you to pieces. Whatever happened to a pillow or a cup of water? Frankly, Jigsaw needs to reevaluate his clowning antics. I saw Inglourious Basterds the other day. Fantastic film, not entirely historically accurate, but if I hadn’t gotten that early on, the part where Eli Roth blows half of Adolf Hiter’s head to hell with a machine would have tipped me off.
Apparently the BBFC has refused a certificate (effectively banning) a Japanese torture porn movie called Grotesque. One of their reasons for banning this over say Hostel, Saw or any of the other torture as M.O. movies is that Grotesque has no plot or character development, thus making it just pain for the sake of it. Naturally since this film has been banned, I have to see it. But I recently found my limit (shocking I know). A movie called Header, advertised with the line what is a Header? So naturally curiosity got the better of me, off to lovefilm to shift the list around. Luckily as I was doing so I figured Urban Dictionary would be able to tell me. And it did. Header: A large enough hole is drilled into the skull, and the brain matter is fucked. Suffice to say, it got taken off the list sharpishly. And somehow that got passed. Now I’m not one for censorship, as to get a film I had been involved on banned would be a tremendous honour for me. But if barin matter banging can get passed, and nthen something else get banned, surely that’s double standards. Idk, the people at the BBFC just basically grade things on violence these days. I don’t care, so long as I get the games and films I want it’s okay.
And as I have promised on several occasions, story guides are coming soon. I just gotta rewatch all the films. And as much as I love saw, that’s a bit of a trek.
Peace and Love
PCFP

Hideo Kojima: Brilliant Games, Shit Writer.

Although I am quite privvy to this fact, it has been brought to my attention that I haven’t posted here in a while. Given how I am a slave to my audience (of 1) I figure I’ll fire some ramblings at the screen and see what sticks. The reason for my lack of action is Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns Of The Patriots. A fantastic game, probably one of the best I’ve played in a long time. On a brief off topic, that’s the thing with Sony, they get shanked on multiformat releases (mainly by Bethsoft/Bethesda) and the DLC for Oblivion (no uberhouses) and Fallout 3 (DLC months after 360, and at the rate of release, not before Game Of The Year, assuming that comes out on PS3 straight away of course). And of course not getting GTA IV DLC (one of which has full front male nudity, and I don’t pay for anything with penis in, and the other simply titled The Ballad Of Gay Tony, makes you wonder when Gay Pride hit Rockstar. The fact their next game is a cowboy game makes you shudder. Any Brokeback antics, and that shit gets traded in hard) Anyway, none of this matters as Sony exclusive games are always infinitely better than Microsoft’s. Halo 3 gets all the press, and the huge release, and sure it’s a good game (better in multiplayer) but Resistance 2 is just… more fun. The gun that shoots through walls, a gun where you pop a slug the size of a small car into a guy, and then when his friends get near the body, hitting secondary fire and detonating said slug, making all of them paste. Way more fun than Halo, whch is basically just the same game each time with shinier paint. Gears Of War 2, there’s nothing like it, and it is probably the best shooter on the market atm, but in terms of sheer fucking carnage, it doesn’t hold a candle to Sony’s G… Of War, God Of War, or “Lets Go Fuck Up Some Greek Myths!” The pitch for this game must simply have been “Hey dudes, you know the ancient Greek myths? What if there was a guy who confronted those guys from the myths, ripped their arms off and beat them to death with said arms?” Seriously, you wander round as Kratos (angriest man in the world), and using what is basically swords attached to chains, fucking up endless streams of undead soldiers, mythological creatures (the more regarded they are, the grislier the deaths. Centaurs get gutted, and in HD you can actually distinguish the separate bits of entrail, chimaera get the snake tail torn off and strangled with them, you get the idea). Anyway, my point is the sheer fucking carnage Kratos leaves in his wake makes the lancer look like a toy chainsaw from Early Learning Centre. My love of God Of War is well known (look at the picture at the top for fuck’s sake), and March 31st 2010, I’m taking the phone off the hook, calling in sick and just fucking up Greece all day. Anyway, my point is Sony makes damn good games, and keeps them to itself. MGS 4 is no exception. Back following Solid Snake (now known as Old Snake due to the accelerated aging process of the genome engineering, plus the FoxDie virus designed to kill when said Genomes reach a specific genetic make up, but will instead turn Snake into a walking WMd as the virus has mutated and can now infect and kill anyone, with the only to stop this is to remove the cells for FoxDie to feed on I.E. Snake must die.) I’m aware that last sentence was long, protracted and over complicated, but that’s the point. MGS 4 has a storyline so fucking overcomplicated, that even following it is a real issue. The cutscenes, normally designed to fill in the story are beyond ridiculous in terms of dialogue and length (I sat through a bunch of cutscenes today that ran for at least an hour, and very little of the dialogue made sense) Long (very long) story cut (very) short: Back In MGS 1 you went to a place called Shadow Moses Island to fuck up a bunch of nutbag terrorists called FoxHound, led by Solid’s twin brother Liquid Snake. Some shit goes down, you fight some of the craziest fuckers to ever get programmed (who can forget Psycho Mantis, using his mind powers to read your controller port and preempt your every move, til you switched to port 4 and fucked him up). Anyway, another one of these guys was Revolver Ocelot, and a cyborg Ninja (don’t ask) cut his right arm (gun arm) clean off. Anyway, Solid Snake fucks up Liquid Snake, who has gained control of a nuclear capable mech called Metal Gear Rex, and he’s holding the USA to ransom unless he gets the remains of Big Boss, a legendary soldier, and clone father to Solid and Liquid. With me so far? No? Oh well. Solid messes up Liquid, and it’s reveled that Ocelot is an agent for The President of the USA, sent into FoxHound to get data on Metal Gear Rex. Anyway, Ocelot gets Liquid’s Right arm grafted to him. Somehow this means that Liquid’s soul takes over Ocelot’s body, and he now becomes Liquid Ocelot. Anyway the reason he needs Big Boss’s body is so he can assume contol of The System, a computer AI that controls every soldier and every gun in the world. He gets this after royally fucking Snake up (oh fyi, we’re back in MGS 4 territory again, from the arm soul business) and he takes back off to Shadow Moses Island, to get Metal Gear Rex (conveniantly not under the control of The System) to fire a missile into space to shoot out one of The Patriot’s AI systems so the one under his control become prority. And that’s as far as I’ve gotten through the game. I’ve been playing for about 12 hours, and have probably watched that many hours of cutscenes. Luckily, the gameplay is worth the pretentions. Stalking through corridors, shooting guys with tranquiliser darts, and then laughing as you walk past their sleeping body is too much fun. The gunplay is good too, but you shouldn’t need it, as OctoCamo (basically a cameleon suit) makes you damn near invisible in the event of being spotted. And for those who do run around like Rambo, the clue to how you play the game is on the front cover. Sure it’s in little letters, so I’ll make them bigger for you.

TACTICAL ESPIONAGE ACTION

That means sneaking and planning people, not shooting everyone who looks at you funny. As it is, all that explaining the storyline has made my mind fucking ache. All I’m gonna say is that Metal Gear Solid is a damn good game series, and definitely worth playing. especially MGS1 (if you A: have a PS1 and B: can find a copy) or the Gamecube remake MGS: The Twin Snakes (see previous brackets) or wait til it hits the PSN Store if you have a PSP/PS3. The MGS series is probably one of the candidates for my “Explaining the story in clear yet detailed terms, for those who don’t want to partake of all the individual elements of the story” or “PCFP’s Idiot Guides To…” The first one is a series very close to me (as anyone who knows me can testify! to) Saw. Having followed the exploits and adventures of John Kramer for 5 years now, the storyline has become more knotted than a bukkake girl’s hair. (Please excuse the vulgarity of that last statement.) While I do have some ideas lined up, I will do a request if people ask for it, so just fire off a comment, and thy will be done, motherfuckers.
PCFP, out!

Comic Con Has Been and Gone, And Now The Dust Has Settled…

Another year has passed in the realms of geekdom, Comic Con is like New Years Eve for geeks, and again, we had nobody to kiss under the mistletoe. In fact it was just like watching last year’s event. The higlights were the inevitable Saw VI event (which we can expect to see next year with Saw VII, more on that later), Platinum Dunes, kings of Hollywood horror remakes returned with a fucking poor effort on the A Nightmare On Elm Street remake front, and The Twilight Saga: New Moon panel made girls scream. But not in fear. The closer for the final day was Iron Man 2, and with Iron Man debuting two years ago to surprise joy and love, becoming a surprise smash (and well deserved too), expectations were high. And expectations were met… the shown footage containing such highlights as Mickey Rourke’s Whiplash fucking shit up, Tony Stark and Samuel L. Jackson discussing the formation of The Avengers (a case of too many superheroes spoiling the movie?). Thor though, is bound to be a more interesting piece given director Kenneth Branagh’s Shakespearean and theatrical background, as well as the casting of a relative unknown (Chris Hemsworth, most famous for a Home and Away role). Information on that is definitely going to be slow, given the due date of May 2011.

But back to this year, and one of the most anticipated horror movie remakes of this decade (one which will be remembered for its remakes) A Nightmare On Elm Street. Directed by Samuel Bayer, and his debut feature (but director of some of the most well known and loved music videos of all time; Smells Like Teen Spirit, Welcome To The Black Parade and all of Green Day’s American Idiot videos). Starring Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger, the role made famous by Robert Englund in the original cycle, and relative unknown Rooney Mara as Nancy Thompson. Debuting on opening day of the festival was the first two “pictures” of Freddy. I put pictures in quotes as frankly, people on Cops are easier to distinguish beneath those pixels they use than the pictures were. The first, released as a Myspace exclusive

 is so dark its impossible to see anyof the important bits (the face or the glove), all we get is a single claw on a blackboard… woo fucking hoo. The same day, the teaser poster was released, and again, its a crock. We finally get a decent shot of the glove, which might I say is looking very good this time around, but still no face shots. Again, darkened on purpose no doubt. Of course a film this big had a panel session, but the big question was whether footage would be shown…

And Platinum Dunes didn’t disappoint… or that’s what we all thought. Footage was shown, a breakdown of which follows:

The clip opens in an exterior shot of an old abandoned factory where Freddy Krueger (as a man) is being chased by a mob to the building. Clancy Brown’s character lights a bottle with fire, Freddy yells, “What do you think I did?“
He gets lit up, lights on fire, runs outside screaming.
Cut to the twins, one with a slash in her clothes.
Shot of Freddy’s hat.
Back to twins jump roping.
Close-up of Freddy’s glove scratching steel.
Freddy’s hat again on a box, silence, Freddy’s eyes appear behind them.
They show the girl in a blood body bag in the school.
Close-up of scratchhhhhhh, sparks.
Rooney Mara (Nancy) is in the boiler room. It’s dark Freddy is there, walking towards her.
Flashes begin, we see all sorts of imagery ranging from Tina floating to the ceiling, slashes and then LOGO. Bam.
“Ready or not, here I come.” – Jackie Earle Haley as your new Freddy Krueger.

But here’s the kicker, anyone who unfortunately does have the power to shit money and couldn’t get to Comic Con hasn’t seen the footage. It wasn’t bootlegged, and Warner Bros. has “no plans to release the footage at this time”. And we only found this out via Brad Fuller’s Twatter, 19 hours after he first Twatted he was going to ask about release. So the producer of the movie didn’t know if a preview was going be released to the public, and it took 19 hours to find out. Fuck right off Fuller. He blatently knew. It seems they’re are trying to generate fan buzz by making everything as vague as possible, while making the fans more and more irate, yeh, brilliant marketing there. Horror fans are notorious for being extremely picky and brutal if they aren’t happy, and so far it seems to be a big fuck you from the studio. Obviously any news will be reported as and when it develops, but don’t hold your breath, I’m certainly not.

This is of course in direct opposite to the Saw series, which has run Comic Con with a rod of iron (usually imapling someone) the last few years. This was the first year Saw didn’t have a Q+A panel, so instead they streamed the trailer live on the net at the same time as it went out at the event. Before though there was a brief interview with Jigsaw himself, Tobin Bell. Anyone familiar with Saw at Comic Con will know what what this “interview” was comprised of. For those hwo don’t, I put interview in quotes as his answers are robotic to the films every year “Best Saw ever, best twists and turns, best traps, best cast and crew etc etc”  Though while giving away very little, brief flashes of the traps can be seen, and the text can be read in a variety of ways, either six traps in the movie, referencing the six films as six choices or (most likely) some other twist people will miss, but will be quite obvious with hindsight. So here’s the trailer…

Clearly showing a lot, but what it does reveal is quite interesting, provided you know the story (to which end there will be a story so far post closer to release day, for those who need a refresher/don’t want to see the films on account of the bloody awesomeness). But the big news related to Saw VI is the trap preview. It doesn’t have an offical name, but I’m pushing for either the Scarousel or the Scary Go Round, but more likely to become known as the Shotgun Carousel. Anyway it looks to be a fantastic trap, and it’s nice to see multiperson traps after the singular affairs of so many of the other movies (for how little you cared about them amongst the main plot line of Strahm Vs Hoffman in Saw V, the dynamic between the five becomes one team was one of the more interesting examples of characterisation in any Saw film to date. So without further running of the mouth by me, this is the Shotgun Carousel. (EDIT: I apologise for the lack of Shotgun Carousel clip, but the Youtube video was shanked by Lionsgate, and all other links have been removed by the MPAA, so what that means I don’t know. Unfortunately, we’ll now have to wait til October to see it)
(Excuse the lack of a New Moon picture, the system is just screwing me over today
As for the final of the big three of Comic Con; The Twilight Saga: New Moon, I don’t particularly know a whole lot. I never particularly cared for Twilight, but in my capacity as  fair observer (and how big it became in such a short space of time) it’s deserving of a mention.  Obviously the sequel to Twilight, based on the book of the same name. Plot wise vampire heartthrob Edward Cullen (robert pattinson) has done a runner, leaving his human love Bella (Kristen Stewart) kicking about where she falls in with Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), a werewolf, mortal enemy of the vampire. Inevitably all fucking hell breaks loose, along with hefty doses of angst.  Anyway… at the Q+A two clips were previewed, and do exist on the net apparently, so go look them up on Youtube, if you’re into that sort of thing. I will however put the trailer up for those who haven’t seen it yet…

Release dates for all three films are: Saw VI-23rd October 2009, New Moon-20th November 2009 and A Nightmare On Elm Street-April 30th 2010

Have You Heard About The Latest Addictive Drug? It’s Called EXP…

I play World of Warcraft. Not a lot, it’s merely there as a distraction late at night when there’s fuck all else to do. You run round, getting quests, all of which are variations on “bring me the set amout of penises of this here gnarly assed creature.” So you do that and then go back to the guy, get some blag, and another penis quest. All of this of course can be highly tedious on occasions. Yes people will say that’s the point of it all, but frankly there’s very little originality to it. Compare this to say Oblivion (the best single player rpg) where quests can be anywhere from “Go assassinate this here ruler of a town” to “Go steal a fucking sacred scroll from right under the noses of everyone in the imperial fucking palace.”  There’s very few if any penis quests. That’s what’s missing from WoW, especially for lower players, as Blizzard seems hellbent on making stuf for level capped players, bad ass raids where you go and stab demigods in the fucking nutsack. But I digress. Getting to the level cap testicle shivving goodness is just long and arduous. “But Matt”, I hear you cry “Is all of this not the same in any game?” I say no. The only thing Oblivion could take from WoW is the EXP/levelling system, where EXP is gained for everything you do, and not just using your key skills to shank bastards.

The trouble with the grind is that there’s no immediate reward for it. You go and gather up 10 penises from the man eating facerippers, and you get a choice of armour you can’t even use, usually cuz you aren’t a high enough level, some coinage (which usually doesn’t constitue gold until the higher levels thanks to a handy system of 100 bronze=1 silver/100 silver=1 gold. And then of course there is the EXP hit. Always good, but like masturbation, the more you do it the less meaningful it becomes. Eventually you’re doing quests just for the EXP hit, as opposed to doing things you want to do, and then that’s not fun, that’s work. Games are meant to be fun, and the work is meant to lead to some sort of reward. Like Guitar Hero, yes you start off shitty, everyone does. But you work, and you get better. And the moment you pull of the solo to Master Of Puppets on Expert difficulty, you get that sense of reward that can only be achieved from pretending to be a rock star.

But I’m getting off topic, and not quite bitter enough. You play and play and play, getting shanked along the way by thing with more mouths than you have skin cells. And when you finally bring ten Multi Mouth penises to the guy who asked for them, you’l find yourself sat there thinking “is this it?” Unfortunately, the answer is yes.