First Post Of 2010! How’s That For Finally Getting On It?

Welcome to 2010! Isn’t it exciting? No, no it is not. First off, some sad announcements. December ‘09 marked the fifth anniversary of the tragic death of Lance “Dimebag” Darrell. It was a dark day, and there will always be hole both in music and our hearts. RIP Dimebag.

On a more recent tragic note, Jimmy “The Rev” Sullivan, was found dead in his home. For those who don’t know, The Rev was the drummer with Avenged Sevenfold, and he was a beast. He knew his instrument, and he knew how to play it like a motherfucker. I had the privilidge of seeing him play live. He’s a fucking legend and his passing saddens me, and will for a long time. RIP Rev, you will be missed.

Happier news time now. I have Borderlands, and it is officially my new favourite game, frequently taking up my time in an “I’ll only play it for an hour  yet here I am at 4am still going” kinda way. It’s beautiful, nails and truly unique. It definitely is my new favourite game. Assassin’s Creed 2 is also a good game, taking the original concept and amping it up to 11. The best bits are without a doubt the platforming and freerunning sequences. If Ubisoft have any sense they’ll take that team and put them in charge of the next Prince of Persia game. Also, I have given my award for Best Merch of The Year: Prince Of Persia: The Movie Lego! Yes I’m gonna buy it.

And now a message to a group I consider myself a part of. This is a message to militant fans of Repo! The Genetic Opera. Yes that movie is wildly original, with awesome songs and unexpected stars (Ogre from Skinny Puppy? Hell yeh!). But, there is another movie coming out this year, called Repo Men which makes an action movie out of the Opera’s concept. And Repo! fans are up in arms. You’re only making yourself look bad. There’s room for both movies, and frankly I can’t wait for Repo Men, it looks badassed.

Ummm… That’s all at the moment. I just wanna close again on The Rev, as he was one of my favourite drummers, and just a mental awesome bastard. Go youtube The Rev chases ducks. RIP Rev, Taken from us too young. See you in Bat Country.

You’re All Soft Like Butter In A Volcano!

People today are fucking soft weak little pussies. If we have any issue we run straight to the internet. “oooh look online, that’ll tell you” “Oooh Google that, it’ll tell you straight away” Google has made us all lazy useless thick cunts! Seriously, we run to the net whenever have an issue with anything from cooking to getting past level 9 of Sonic the whatever beast he is today. Werehog: FUCK OFF SEGA!

Anyway, back on topic. We have it easy now. Back in the day, they were hardcore motherfuckers. Game doesn’t run today, it’s straight to a forum to get a multitude of flames and responses which all portend to “try tilting the console a little bit” Fuck off with that, you usually wind up having to send the fucker back to the manufacturer (who’s offices are always in Europe, funny that) at your cost. That’s 125 sheets down the shitter. You could buy the console new for that, fuck that noise. And they steal your hard drive. And send you a version without the BBC iPlayer icon on the main menu. Anyone ever used the PS3 web browser. Fucking hell it’d be quicker to read the paper than use that cunt. As for youtube, fuck off.

Anyway, back in the olden days (80’s/any cartridge based console) they didn’t have the net. So what did gamers do when they had a non working game issue, know what they did? They figured it out for themfuckingselves! They grabbed the cart and they blew inside it, and somehow it worked. They were some hardcore motherfuckers.

Google has made us all not hardcore. Fucking Google.

Knitwear? What Fucker Buys Knitwear?!!

Yeh, this has nothing to do with knitwear. Especially sweater vests. Anyone I know ever wears a sweater vest and I will call them a huge massive bender everyday until they die.  And that’s a motherfucking promise. So what’s new? First off, BBC Radio 6 (god bless Steve Lemaq) has announced Friday the 4th of December as “Wear your old band  shirt to work day”. So if you should see anyone at work wearing the infamous Cradle Of Filth Jesus Is A Cunt shirt (also known as Vestal Masturbation), you’ll know why. Also, merry Christmas to me someone?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So yeh, there’s a bit of blasphemy of the highest order for you, readership, anyone who doesn’t like it, can polite but firmly shove their complaint up their bible bashing, no sex before marriage virginal cunt*, cuz frankly, God is looking at you right now, and he’s jacking off, thinking about ass fucking you so hard his come shoots you into the next county. *It might be a guy of course, but any guy who does the no sex before marriage is obviously either an ugly motherfucker, or a MASSIVE HOMO CUNT!!

God that was a little crude wasn’t it? Also, there is an assault on the ears going around by some chick called Ke$ha (and yes the $ is intentional). The song is dire, avoid, but one line makes me laugh. She basically calls the police the PoPo, which for some reason made me think of the Teletubby police force? And do they get their APB’s in on their stomachs? Wait, why am I working out the mechanics of  Teletubby Police Force, seeing as how ONLY FOUR OF THEM SEEM TO EXIST!!! Huge massive field, only four bastard aliens and some rabbits, seriously? And of course, crazy sprinkler voice dude, who probably does not get paid nearly enough to voice that shit.

Also, it has emerged that the Lady GaGa has a penis rumour/urban myth is not true. Which is a shame, as I was hoping for the Mythbusters episode on it. More to the point though, why did someone not try and find GaGa’s gynaecologist and question the shit out of him or her. I know all about doctor/patient confidentiality and all that, but surely there’d be some sort of visual clue if you start talking about his patient’s “penis”. I mean it’s not like he could keep a Poker Face. I apologise wholeheartedly for that. Also just saw Pudsey bear do a guitar solo. As well as all the female baby cartoon characters do the Pussycat Dolls song Jai Ho. As well as a whole bunch of other characters sing other songs. And Pingu is singing Hey Jude. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! HAVE I BEEN DRUGGED?!

Actually talking of Hey Jude, I should comment on a movie I had the misfortune of watching called Across The Universe, a musical based off the Beatles songs. Now the guy who suggested we watch it is a stand up guy, and he likes his indie stuff, but all due respect, I listen to songs with names like Pussy Liquor and Beast and the Harlot. The Beatles can suck my junk as far as I’m concerned, cuz as far as influential bands go, The Beatles gave us Oasis, Led Zep gave us Heavy Metal. Plus your two dead members, John Lennon and George Harrison died of assassination (though I still maintained he arranged it to escape Yoko Motherfucking Ono, McCartney just took the easier route of divorce) and lung cancer respectively. Led Zep’s one dead member John Bonham, The Greatest Drummer To Have Ever Lived (go and look up the 20 minute long drum solo for Moby Dick, go on, it’s fun) died because he downed 40 shots of vodka and choked on his own vomit. I’m sorry, but for not dying of alcohol poisoning after that alone makes him the coolest man to have walked the earth. Second coolest then, after Hendrix, that man is a legend. Now if you like The Beatles, don’t let me stop you. But bands I prefer bands like The Rolling Stones, The Who and Led Zep. You know, bands that weren’t huge massive girls. Please Please Me? I counter that with (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction, Mama’s Got A Squeezebox and Whole Lotta Love. Songs that aren’t whining for sex, but songs that are currently fucking The Beatles from behind while watching hardcore porno.

What else is there? Umm good question. Hang on a second… THERE! That was word number 666. Don’t know why I called that out, I must be running out of steam. Got to come up with something good. AHA!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgbNymZ7vqY

Click that to see how much time The Muppets puppeteers have on their hands. You know, assuming you’re one of the three people who haven’t seen this already. Right, that’s my asinine chatter done for the day. Oh no wait! One more thing, here begins the official JLS Can Fuck Off And Die campaign. They have a book out! They have two songs out, and they already have a book out, JLS: The Story So Far. And I know this cuz I work in a bookshop, before someone gets witty. Anyway, this book is mostly pictures. Good considering the average smarts of a JLS fan, stupid motherfuckers. Still, I spose even retards deserve entertaining. They can’t run my errands for me forever, accursed Human Rights laws.

Signing out people, and remember, if they’re lower than you on the Smartness Ladder, it’s okay to set them on fire.

When I’m Right, I’m Right…

Well, I resisted it for ages, but I finally relented last post and talked about myself. Said some pretty silly fucking things, and the shit hit the fan funstyles because of it. So we’re back to business as usual, and with the renewed promise that that fucking shit will never happen again.

Today, I’m gonna talk about some of the dialogue in games, as it’s a glorious mix of shit and brilliance, with wirty dords thrown in. My first mention must go to Bioshock 2, which has a bit of hype following it. Knowing full well that since your character spends a large amount of the game armed with a drill the size of Jersey, and the game was more than likely to get an 18 rating, they went all out on the dialogue, with one of the characters uttering in the game “Fucking sodomites everywhere!” which for my money is fantastic words. Especially as he yells it while getting shot in the face.

I guess at this point, if you really want to get the full enjoyment out of a game, listen to the enemies dialogue, especially during battle sequences. Killzone 2 is a special one for this, simply down to the fact that the primary enemies are NAZI SPACE COCKNEYS! With extremely foul mouths. Seriously, I don’t know much about the military, but I’d assume I’m right in guessing that “Fucking flank the ISA scum” is not standard procedure. Now I’m all for swearing, in case you hadn’t already noticed, but at least be more creative with it. So the campaign starts here to make the word twatbandit an officially recognised affront.

So yeh, now I’m gonna take this time to talk about myself again… HAHAHAHAHA, FUCK THAT NOISE!!!! No, I’m also going to mention a special line of dialogue from Assassin’s Creed 2. “She cries as I fuck her”.  Other awesome lines from the game include “So, the whip or the paddle today?” and “Does your wife know about your page boy fantasies, Captain?” All this proves is that the guys over at Ubisoft Canada figured they’d go all out moving from the conservative Holy Lands of AC 1 into the horny Renaissance Italy of AC2. But jesus christ, it’s called ASSASSIN’S Creed 2 not HORNY BASTARD’S Creed 2. But those antics don’t make it a mature game, they just pander to the 15 year old boys with their hands in their pockets, you know, the guys who buy copies of Tomb Raider over Uncharted 2, just to see the newer, perkier physics engine. It’s why the DOA series still gets work. It’s why when you shake the controller during a Ninja Gaiden 2 Sigma cutscene the ladies bobbies jiggle. It’s why I’m dying inside.

Plus I’m sat here watching Commando, and it’s the end punch up between Arnie and the generic bad guy who he served with in the past (aka every Arnie movie ever made) and he’s getting the shit kicked out of him. He electrocutes the guy, both swear like motherfuckers, and then he impales the bad guy on a steam tank. All while his little daughter is watching. That’s really bad parenting in my book.  The daughter is actually played by Alyssa Milano, who is not the sex icon she is now, and it’s a little worrying seeing her that young. Add her to the list of chicks including Natalie Portman, Drew Barrymore and Miley Cyrus in a year or so. She’s 16 now, but best to err on the side of not getting your name on some kind of register.

Wow, that went off on some tangents. I have kind of run out of things to say, other than… fuck it, that train of thought derailed.

Night night readership. I shall see ye tomorrow, and if you come to my van and don’t tell your parents what happens, I’ll give you some candy…

It’s All About The Game, And How You Play It…

It’s all about control and if you can take it. No idea who sung that, probably nobody given it’s the entrance music for a wrestler (Triple H, for those who care). And today I’m gonna do something I swore I’d never do (but fuck it, control people, look at the first line) and I’m gonna talk about me. And at the end of it, some of you may view me differently. But this is the real me.

1: I haven’t eaten breakfast in a little over 4 years. That happened because for the first three years I left the house early for college and work, and to have breakfast would mean getting up earlier, which can fuck right off. Which leads me onto year 4. I wake up at max an hour before I have to be in. And in that time I can check the internet, shower, have a general chit chat with anyone who may be in the house and then fuck off out to begin either the bus ride in (about 5 mins, plus waiting time) or the walk in (as I have been doing more recently, due to my lack of funds/excercise) which takes about 15-20 mins depending on tiredness and the weather (hope the storms clear up, else I am fucked. Can you claim you weren’t in class because the weather was too gnarly to leave the house?)

2: I’m what would be commonly known as a pathological liar, bordering on sociopathy. But that’s only psychobabble bullshit. I’m not one of those guys who lies and says he’s a tourist to pick up hot women (see also; fireman, marine, lifeguard and international pop star), nor do I lie just to make myself look good (cuz we are ALL guilty of that). I lie to how shall we say, make people happy. Right now I’m currently caught up in a very silly war between people who are old enough to know better. One former friend accuses the other of betrayal, the other denies this, and suddenly we’re fighting like whores on a street corner. But lets look at the facts here folks. A: Both of them are not catch of the day (and while I cannot stand up and call myself Hank Handsome, Space Adventurer, these guys are kinda odd. And some of the rumours I’ve heard, which I will not go into, as I don’t take stock in silly rumours, does not paint one of them in a flattering light) B: the story is Guy A and Guy B are best friends, and Guy A was dating Girl A for the longest time, while Guy B pined for Girl B, who would not date him in any situation, like ever. So Guy A/Girl A break up and everybody stays awkward friends. Now we throw in Girl C to the mix (who was very loosely seeing everyone’s favourite blog writer around roughly the same time as the A/A break up. Needless to say that went tits up. Anyway, Guy B liked Girl C (no idea why anyone does actually) but so did Guy A, so both made a pact to not do anything about it (which is where Awesome Blog Dude swooped in, and then it ended). Skip forward several months and we come to now.

Guy A is dating Girl B and Guy B isn’t happy as he deems it some kind of betrayal. So him and all of his Knights (long story, tell ya later) have started what seems like a turf war with Guy A, Girl B and friend to both. BUT, here’s the kicker Guy B has started dating Girl A, which to me seems just as equal a betrayal (according to the rules, which again I will get onto later). But that’s okay apparently as it’s a legal move in war. SO here’s the thing, both guys are either getting laid or will do possibly in the none too distant future. SO ALL OF THIS IS RETARDED! Man, get laid and you become a dick, awesome. Thing is, bringing it back to my pathological lying, both sides have made me pick a side (preferably their side) and I’ve said I have, just to keep the peace. But here’s the truth kids: I’m not particularly a fan of either of you, OR the people you’ve called onside (but with one of you it’s a long story, again more later). So take your petty war and stick it. FUCKING GROW UP!!! All the hate blogs are petty, and frankly if you can’t get past this, you should all be fucking sterilised, as I don’t want my (possibly) future kids exposed to this kind of retardedness, and if they are, I want them to take the same tack as me, telling you all to fuck off.

3: I am extremely shallow. And one of you knows this. And I’m sorry I am, but that’s just the way it is. And I’m also very much aware that I can’t afford to be shallow, but that’s just fucking tough. I was always taught second place is no place, so never fucking settle. And this goes out to the chick from earlier this paragraph, you can do way better than me, so fucking go for it.

4: That last post leads me onto here quite nicely. I am madly in love with this one girl, who I have no fucking idea whether she has any feeling for me whatsoever. it’s a little complex, and we kind of go from extremes. One minute we’re friends the next we genuinely want to kill each other. We even somehow slept together once (and that was so she could see if she had any feelings for me, which she did not). So then we don’t see each other for 5 months (which was probably good). Get back and see each other again and allegedly she has feelings for me (and about 3 other guys again). Which is fine by me. With one guy who she definitely believes is the one, but has so far proven to have a track record of being shit. Tbh I don’t know anymore. Suffice to say, I cannot move forward as an individual until this gets worked out, which isn’t easy, as she loves to dodge the issue.

Right I’m done for now, we’ll carry on with this shit some other time.

Gives A Whole New Meaning To The Term “I Want To Play A Game…”

A brief bit of background. I am a massive Saw fan and so when I found out they were releasing the game at least month later than in the USA, I paid a visit to Movietyme, and got me a copy. And onto the review…

Saw is a third person survival horror title, with many parallels to the Silent Hill series. This is only made more apparent when the game flashes up the big Konami logos. For those of you who played through Silent Hill: Homecoming, that game gets a little bit Saw-esque towards the end, to that game’s detriment. But Saw works somehow.

The very first thing you see is your character Tapp (Yes Danny Glover’s character from the first movie.) in the Reverse Bear Trap, another throwback to the movies. You do a little quicktime event to get it off you before it snaps, and then it’s into the main game.

You have to wander around the asylum you’ve been trapped in, as Jigsaw isn’t done with Tapp, not by a long shot. After the events of Saw 1 (for those not in the know, Tapp broke the rules and entered Jigsaw’s lair without backup, causing the death of his partner) After this Tapp was discharged from the force and took the Jigsaw investigation into his own hands. For the record, the game is set between Saw and Saw II

Anyway the main game… The game is set out in this format: You start of in a specific part of the asylum, such as the cells or living quarters. You pick up a tape which tells you of the person in the set piece trap. You then wander round solving various puzzles and traps to get the key or items needed to gain access to the set piece room, where you have to solve more puzzles in order to save the victim. Repeat this five or six times throughout the game. It’s a format very close to the movies, just with the exploration parts in between each set piece, extending the life span, of roughly 10-11 hours, if you explore thoroughly.

Gameplay wise, it’s a very competent setup. It handles well, with some neat touches such as the different light sources. Three become available to you throughout the game (lighter, camera and torch) each with their own advantages and disadvantages. Those out for atmosphere (which this game has in spadefuls) should use the camera, as it illuminates for a second then goes dark again, and takes a few seconds to recharge. It’s utterly terrifying to use. Another neat little touch is the use of floor traps. These take the form of either tripwires attached to shotguns (instant kill, but can be disarmed if spotted in time, then reused, but more on that later) or the broken glass that litters the floor, and with your character barefoot, causes pain as you walk on it.

The main meat of the game is a selection of 5-6 puzzles that get repeated at various points throughout the game. These can take form of either making a complete circuit, using various size gears to make machines move and so on. Now while this may sound repetitive, I quite enjoyed it. They start off easy, but as you progress through the game, they get harder. Towards the end, you have to compete with two 81 square fuse boxes, and a timer of 7 minutes before the bombs go off and you die, having to start again. Tension doesn’t begin to describe it.

In terms of atmosphere, the game is definitely Saw. All the standards are in there, the ominous voice of Jigsaw coming out of nowhere (voiced by Tobin Bell, for extra authenticity), the dark rooms, the red numbered digital timers and all the various things Saw fans have come to know and expect.

Now on to the bad news, the game has a few small flaws, such as its darkness levels, and you may need to turn the gamma up to see the gas pipe puzzles. But it’s biggest flaw is the combat, which is for lack of a better term, broken. You hold L2 to switch to combat stance, and X is a light attack and Square is a heavy attack. Trouble is it takes so long for you actually swing you’ve been beaten to death before you can line up a hit. But combat can  the majority of the time be avoided, by drawing the attacker to follow you into some sort of trap, like the afore mentioned tripwire. So long as you stay vaguely ahead of them, and can get it set up, 9 times out of 10 they’ll just blunder into it. See also; electrified puddles. Of course it is beneficial to kill people as trophies are attached to killing people and weapons used.

However the combat is dire, and it drags down what would otherwise be a very good game. The game runs on Unreal engine 3, so looks the business, and genuinely drips with pure menace. A mention should also be given to the story, which manages to not only fit in with the backstory, but having seen Saw VI before I finished the game, it also manages to allude to that movie as well, so doesn’t just smack of a cash in. This is largely in part to James Wan and Leigh Whannell, original creators of the Saw series writing the story and script for the game, and they’ve struck gold, and in combination with Saw VI, breathing life into a franchise coughing towards the end of its life.

Closing Comments: Saw is a cracking game, and with the disappointments Resident Evil 5 and Silent Hill Homecoming turned out to be, it proves it is possible to make a decent horror game that doesn’t rely on bang bang action. It’s a thinking mans horror game. But the poor combat system really hampers the game, and the constant repetition of puzzles may grate on some. But it’s definitely something that should be played. Though non Saw fans may not get some of the movie references, the game itself has a coherent storyline. At the very least, rent it for a week, cuz it’s a good game. Shame it got buried by Uncharted 2 in the USA and releases a week after MW2 here, so a sequel is unlikely. So in that respect it’s as far removed from the films series as possible!

Score: Gameplay-6

            Graphics-7

            Sound-7

            Overall-7/10

Don Your Stupid (And Hard) Hats.

Welcome to an occasional feature I like to call What The Fuck Were You Fucking Thinking! This is where I expose the fucking stupidity in the world. And for our opener, I’m handing it over to an unoffical Wii accessory. CTA Digital’s Wii Bowling Ball.

Yep, it’s a fake bowling ball you use to play Wii Bowling type games. First off, it turns out that there’s more of these games than you’d expect, but hey, people are retarded/fools and their money are soon split like a pornstar fucking a baseball bat (which there are videos of). Plus there’s an epically cheesy, late night shopping channel style sales pitch, which can be seen here, now, in 3, 2, 1…

Now, lets go over this. First off, the button operation system appears to be nothing more than a long stick that vaguely stabs at the button, one of those breaks (and they will, due to the accidental flinging it at the cat) and that button appears to be out of action. The thing weighs just under half a kilogram, and while that might not seem a lot, it’s still enough to fuck some serious shit up when you’re swinging it around like an Indiana Jones female sidekick in a cave full of nasty creepy crawly shit. Plus why does the guy presenting the video look like a fat Jack Osbourne (which is saying a lot, given how large Jack Osbourne has been known to be)? Now lets get down to looking at the product a bit more.

The clips that hold the two halves of the ball together appear pretty solid, which is a plus, as swinging that thing around the Wii remote would shooot out of there like a fucking torpedo, guaranteed to be a cat killer, should any pussy decide to get in the way. The wrist strap seems pretty solid, but those things are like playing Russian Roulette, 1 in 6 (not a valid statistic, Mr. Legal Department) of those result in cleaning up a beloved pet from the wall, and the ball.

Now lets get onto the big flaw with this supposed “innovation”. It’s a fucking fake bowling ball. Last time I checked the idea of bowling was to fling the ball down the very long lane, not keep a hold of it. Which leads to two very comical scenarios.

Scenario the First: You’re playing with the Wii Bowling Ball, and like any sensible bowler, you let go of the ball. It flies to the end or your wrist, and shoots off. Bounces off your £1000 plus HD TV, shanking that then hits the cat, killing it 7 kinds of dead. The lady divorces you, you lose your job, house and wind up a wino on the streets. A lot of loss for silly bowling ball no? Doesn’t really outweigh having “none of the fatigue” does it?

Scenario the Second: You decide to go try your new found Bowling Ball for Wii skills on an actual bowling ball. Yet when you get up to the lane, shock horror, you fail to let go of the ball! It swings back and twats you in the knees! The “fatigue” is the least of your worries as YOU’LL HAVE NO FUCKING KNEES!!!! See previous statements about fallout. Basically, all roads lead to homelessness.

This is basically a stupid fucking retarded idea, used by very silly people. It’s just wrong.

Plus I’m gonna leave you with the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in a video ever. “For use with any other bowling game that uses the Wii Remote”. THAT’S EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THEM, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! Jesus shit, the inmates are running the fucking asylum.
PCFP Out!!!

P.S. I really hate cats.

Si Vis Pacem, Parabellum

Oooh Latin, get me, right? No, this is kind of a philosophy of mine. It translates as “If you wish for peace, prepare for war.” Number of interpretations, by harbouring a strong society, people are less inclined to attack you and my interpretation, if you want peace, then it follows a fucking great ruck with some badass motherfuckers.

I guess the point to this is nothing comes for free. From food to peace, there’s a cost. And this brings me onto the subject of downloadable content. Aything from add ons to games, to full on games in their own right. Now DLC is the future of gaming. Eventually our brick and mortar gaming shops will be Starbucks’ or something, as we’ll all download everything. Of course at this early stage in the game, that’s a few years down the line. There’s a few games available on all the major consoles, but nothing of note really. They’re all available on disc in those shops I mentioned earlier.

Trouble is, can Britain’s already pretty raggedy ass phone infrastructure sustain this full on assault on the phone lines? Take a huge game release, like GTA IV (or V I spose is the next one). What if everyone goes to download that as soon as it becomes available? The phone lines will literally die on their sorry copper asses. Sure Virgin is putting in super fast 50 Mb cables, but those won’t be available to everyone, and wont be for ages yet.

I guess the point to all is that the games industry is changing at a rapid pace. More so than anything else. Take for example Gears of War. When that first came out, the cover/advance style of gameplay, the brutality, it was a damn fine game. It was the template for games for a while after that, a lot of games took the system and moulded it for their own ends. Then the next game comes out and the cycle is repeated. The next game on the cycle for my money is Batman: Arkham Asylum, definitely a shoo in for Game Of The Year.

But I guess what I’m saying is that what is novel today will become the norm tomorrow. And that’s why the games industry needs to change. Plus games get more and more expensive, early word is that Modern Warfare 2 will cost somewhere close to 60 big ones. Now no one doubts that game will be amazing, it’s almost guaranteed. But if games are going to start to be more expensive, they’re gonna need to be more novel for the next year rather than a hundred MW 2 clones.

Video games: The only thing to evolve by standing still for a year.

A Veritable Wankfest Of Gaming.

So Sony wants to try and end its dismal run in this, the 7th generation of Games Consoles. And since we’re only a teeny tiny width away from another 1980’s style games industry crash (though could James Cameron’s Avatar be the new E.T?) they need to pull something out of the bag sharpish. And they have it. 3D GAMES! Cuz of course, if a game is great, surely if it’s waving its business around in your face like some kind of polygonal lapdancer, that makes it better right? Of course it doesn’t.

There are ways it could be good. Damn good in fact. Like you call up a map, and the map appears in front of you, and in an urban area you can see the relief map of the buildings. Spin it around, get an idea of the height of the buildings. Plus have the HUD in front of you like in some kind of movie/game hybrid. It could be used amazingly. Of course combined with the new motion controller they have planned, which is way more accurate than the Wii, and it could be have some devastatingly huge sales.

But to make games 3D for 3D sakes is a bad move. Using 3D glasses for too long causes headaches and eyestrain, causing eventual blindness. Same as masturbation. Dear lord, those sweaty palmed 15 year olds who buy Tomb Raider and a box of Kleenex on release day are fucked. Games like that are going to have to come with a health warning.

Warning: Use of 3D glasses for extended periods of time can cause headaches, and damage to eyes. So can masturbation. We only say this cuz this game contains instances of hot women. And lets face it, Lara Croft, waving ‘em around like that in 3D, we know what you’re gonna do. Don’t think we don’t. And so do your parents. Just remember, the more you do it, the less meaningful it becomes.

Or there’s the Catholic version: THIS GAME WILL CAUSE YOU TO GO TO HELL! IT WILL TURN YOU ON AND MAKE YOU THINK UNGODLY THOUGHTS, SENDING YOU TO HELL! MASTURBATION IS A SIN, AKIN TO ABORTIONS! MURDERER! MURDERER! GO AND DO A GODLY, CATHOLIC ACT. GO MOLEST A CHOIRBOY!
Mmmmmm, that’s good satire!

*Insert Jigsaw Penis Joke Here*

So yeh, figuring I’d continue the last post, here is the end to MGS 4. (Spoilers Ahead). People Die! Lots of people! People who were meant to be dead aren’t dead. Then do die! Immediately after revealing themselves to be not dead! Either way, just thinking about it all gives me a headache, so I’m done.

And now onto some new things. There’s a new poster out for Saw VI! Yay!

Okay, so clearly we’re following the Saw V mentatlity of becoming Jigsaw. As if this wasn’t a big tip off.

Okay, I guess my point is they’re saying the idea is to become Jigsaw. But what happens when they get lower? I mean anyone familiar to the Saw series knows that Jigsaw showed some penis (albeit on the autopsy table) in Saw IV. And frankly it was nothing to write home about. Look at me, talking about dead old man penis, what has life come to?
Another new Saw related development is that Saw: The Video Game will have doors that when opened a random button press icon appears, and if you fail shotguns in the ceiling blow you to pieces. Whatever happened to a pillow or a cup of water? Frankly, Jigsaw needs to reevaluate his clowning antics. I saw Inglourious Basterds the other day. Fantastic film, not entirely historically accurate, but if I hadn’t gotten that early on, the part where Eli Roth blows half of Adolf Hiter’s head to hell with a machine would have tipped me off.
Apparently the BBFC has refused a certificate (effectively banning) a Japanese torture porn movie called Grotesque. One of their reasons for banning this over say Hostel, Saw or any of the other torture as M.O. movies is that Grotesque has no plot or character development, thus making it just pain for the sake of it. Naturally since this film has been banned, I have to see it. But I recently found my limit (shocking I know). A movie called Header, advertised with the line what is a Header? So naturally curiosity got the better of me, off to lovefilm to shift the list around. Luckily as I was doing so I figured Urban Dictionary would be able to tell me. And it did. Header: A large enough hole is drilled into the skull, and the brain matter is fucked. Suffice to say, it got taken off the list sharpishly. And somehow that got passed. Now I’m not one for censorship, as to get a film I had been involved on banned would be a tremendous honour for me. But if barin matter banging can get passed, and nthen something else get banned, surely that’s double standards. Idk, the people at the BBFC just basically grade things on violence these days. I don’t care, so long as I get the games and films I want it’s okay.
And as I have promised on several occasions, story guides are coming soon. I just gotta rewatch all the films. And as much as I love saw, that’s a bit of a trek.
Peace and Love
PCFP